Geek Next Door

So… one of my friends played a prank on me. A big, bad one! He told me to watch this movie. The assholes: 1. Me! 2. Everyone who has watched and appreciated it.

He lured me into it telling me that I should watch the movie because it was a “classic” of its time and the reviewer of this “big shot” newspaper rated it very highly. Now I want to strangle the reviewer and the one who made that movie, and myself along with that friend of mine. Here is the summary of what I could watch (40-50 minutes) of it:

The male lead’s wife is on the death bed (and quite happy about it! I guess she’s happy because she knows she has to feature in the movie only in the “flash backs” and because she’s not the female lead) and writes some letters that the kid (and (nobody else!) is instructed to read once every year, on her birthday. So she dies and the kid grows. The question of the moment is: how did the kid read when she could not read? It is her 7th (or 8th?) birthday now, and she reads one of the letters. By the look of the pages in her hands, it must be 2-3 (10?) A4 pages long. But the good thing about the letter that long is that it has the minutest detail of the college life of the kid’s father, her mother and her (as I was told afterwards by my friend who I want to strangle) would be (step) mother. The “vague” details include (naturally as any kid would perceive in her imagination) a song in which an electric guitar is played without… any electric chord! Awesome. Nay?!

That letter tells her the story of days when her mother, the role played by Rani Mukherjee, enters the college in which the kid’s father and the would be step mother do anything apart from studying. There are all sorts of hip things in the college, e.g., a friendship day, friendship bands, quotes like “love is friendship”, Xavier’s as the name, annual festivals, sports – basketball, dumb long-haired side-kicks of the male lead, short-skirted ugly side-kicks of the female lead, bright colors, and only 2 teachers, one of them the principal of the college. There is even a pretty fucking cool “style move” that I think every “cool college-goer” should develop a habit of: snapping the middle finger against the thumb, something what we call “chutki bajaana“, in quick succession. Do it! And the girls will embrace you like they do me.

There are (supposedly) comic characters too: a tharki buddha principal who is also the father of the kid’s mother and a seriously awkwardly ugly teacher (short-skirted again) who the tharki buddha finds his love interest in. The kid’s mother is supposed to woo her father by her smartness and sexy looks. And for that she chooses to wear mini-skirts in which she looks nothing more than a bow-legged-out-of-shape-trying-to look-hip-biatch, every asshole of the college is after whom.

Wait… this cartoon is far better! At least the girl above has legs in better shape and (thankfully) her (ugly) face is not visible. The expressions on the face of the passerby are more life-like than what were on the face of the male-lead of the movie.

Things happen all around! Actors play their part to the extent that I felt like vomiting, and I would have if it wasn’t for the fact that I had not eaten in last 2 days. And I quit! That was how much I could tolerate. But my friend suggests that the pinnacle of movie was not where I was about to vomit! He says that at the pinnacle, you’d want to be a jehadi who kills himself in a suicide attack taking with his, the lives of the entire crew of the movie! I for once wondered what it could be, but I’d not want to know now.

Now,

• Do not suggest anyone any movie made by Karan Johar.
• Do not suggest anybody any movie enacted by Shahrukh Khan.
• Do not comment on this post if you’re one of the following: a Karan Johar fan, a Shahrukh Khan fan, a Rani Mukherjee fan, or the fan of any project that has all three of them together or two or one, or a Kuch Kuch Hota Hai fan.

Sometimes I wonder how impudent the directors of some of the Hindi films are. They take pride in thinking that the audience is fool enough not to know even the most basic of “how stuff works”: electric guitar for example.