Interview of a disinterested grad student

Collection of random questions I was asked by a prospective match and the answers I came up with. Warning: Some of it may be offending. I go on an offence when I meet people who see others in lesser capacity. A less offending question to start that conversation might have been “what are your interests,” rather than, “what do you do?” Reader’s discretion is required.

  • She: What do you do?
    A: Procrastinate.
  • She: No, I mean what do you do for living?
    A: Produce semi-useful research.
  • She: Do you really get paid for that?
    A: Yes!
  • She: You’re joking, right?! Who pays for that?
    A: People who themselves produce semi-useful research.
  • She: What do you want to do in the future?
    A: I want to pet a dog.
  • She: Why only a dog? Why not a monkey?
    A: Monkeys are menacing animals. Besides, two monkeys cannot co-exist peacefully.
  • She: Okay. Seriously now, what do you want to do to earn and feed yourself?
    A: Produce more semi-useful or non-useful research.
  • She: You seem to be frustrated?
    A: Why?
  • She: Your answers are mere rhetoric beyond the comprehension of a creative and practical mind.
    A: Probably… but, I prefer disinterested over frustrated. It boosts my (again) disinterested ego. Besides, it is the “creative and practical” mind that needs to be more creative and less practical.
  • She: Why do you want to get married? To me?
    A: I don’t! I just found your appearance satisfying to my lustful gaze. By the way, the top you’re wearing… I wish it had a cut 2 inches deeper.
  • She: You are bad flirter.
    A: I’m not flirting! I’m just speaking my mind honestly.
  • She: So, why did you agree to meet me? Why did you not just watch a pornographic video?
    A: That’s a long tragic story. To cut it short, let me just say that I do prefer a porn video, but there are certain pressures in ones life the only way to rise against them is to succumb to them. Moreover, I thought you might be a nice change from my daily routine of watching porn and masturbating. Porn reveals a bit too much, leaving nothing to imagination. I love to imagine things.
  • She: You’re such a frustrated soul! I bet you’re still a virgin, you nerd…
    A: Yes, I am! Does that change anything? I mean even if I had gotten lucky at some point in my life, how would you be sure that I won’t watch porn?
  • She: Anyway, what is your major?
    A: EECS.
  • She: What is EECS?
    A: Electrical Engineering and Computer Science.
  • She: Oh… so you’re a “software engineer”.
    A: No.
  • She: But you said your major is EECS.
    A: So? How does that make me a software engineer?
  • She: My brother is a CS major. He is earning 12 lakhs per annum in an MNC as a software engineer.
    A: Oh… that’s great. I earn measly wages, just enough for my survival. So, why don’t you get married to your brother then?
  • She: Huh… (Her jaw is open like something is stuck in her mouth. Anger in her eyes and I’m enjoying to not stop before getting slapped!)
    A: What? Is he already married?
  • She: […]
    A: (Time for truce) I was told you’re a manager in so and so firm.
  • She: [Deep breath, probably trying to control her anger] Yes, I am.
    A: That’s great (some butter is required to roast the woman more). See, I’m really not interested in your job or qualifications. So, to me a better conversation starter is the question I’ll ask you now. What are your interests? I mean to ask what do you do with passion apart from your job?
  • She: I love watching movies, listening to music and reading.
    A: Okay. Everyone does that. You named a few activities, but which is your passion? Or, is that that run-of-the-mill answer your parents told you to say?
  • She: Um… I love dancing.
    A: That’s great. People tell me I have two left feet, but I think I’m a better dancer than Michael Jackson.
  • She: Are you trying to ridicule me?
    A: No way! I’m not trying.
  • She: Okay, what are your passions? [little sarcasm in her voice. I like that quality in a girl.]
    A: I don’t have any. My perception of myself, as I told you, is of a disinterested person. If at all I can ever be passionate about something is probably mathematics.
  • She: Typically an engineer!
    A: You could say that.
  • She: When I was in IIM-C…
    A: Thanks for the information that you were in IIM-C. You must be really sharp at studies. Do tell me that you are also a Stephenian.
  • She: How could you guess that?
    A: Well… I just knew. Or say, I was told by the “matchmaker”. So, what kind of books do you like to read? What kind of music moves you?
  • She: Um… I do not get time to read much. But I read “Men are from Mars…” a while ago. I love trance and hip-hop.
    A: Great! I like the idea that spawned the genre of music called hip-hop, but I don’t really like the music itself.
  • She: What? You don’t like music?
    A: I love music. I don’t like hip-hop. “Men are from Mars…”. What kind of book is that?
  • She: It tells about the habits of men and women and tries to make one gender understand the other better.
    A: So what do you understand of me?
  • She: [thoughtfully] … that you’re “capable” but not confident in a your “abilities”.
    A: Just that? Am I not a nerd anymore?
  • She: [giggling] That you still are.
    A: Look… I’m sorry to offend you. But the fact is that I’m really a nerd and I’m happy living my life the way I’m right now. I may end up earning big money. Who doesn’t want that? But, I my case, I’ll not do that at the cost of my habits. You may end up disappointed if you’re looking for that quality in me. You may even feel humiliated in your friend circle when you have to tell that your husband doesn’t do anything useful, but thinks and derives abstract results. Call me rigid if you will, but I may not change at all. Very few of my ideas are my own, and as a great personality put it in words, “I’m standing on the shoulders of giants”, and my idea of a relationship is derived directly from the book “Marriage and Morals” by Russell. That’s it for my discourse. If you have anything to say about yourself, let me know before agreeing to or denying the proposal of the matchmaker, who by the way is one of my most loved persons.
  • She: Okay. I’ll think about it.

It has been a couple of years now and she has not looked back. 🙂

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